crucium: edge of the world (by Painted Land)
i saw my acu-god on friday evening. we get into the regular talk of how i am doing, what ails me, etc. and then he notes - “i’ve been treating you for a couple of months now, and i am just wondering if your life is always this stressful.” i had to stop and think. my immediate answer would have been - no. but then i wondered about the word “always”. certainly my life has not always been this stressful. but it’s been pretty damn intense since my father died. with his death, new responsibilities landed on me with regard to my mother. and as has been previously noted, she is no easy character.
i’m trying to sift through all the shite in my life to answer his simple question. this is all happening inside my head at super speed. my professional life has always been a bit stressful - probably more the expectations i set for myself than anything else. although my workload has increased significantly in the last nine months. my personal life has gone through waves, but has usually been the balance to work. with mum on board full-time, that area of peace in my life has been tested.
with mum’s health declining quite dramatically as of late - sure, it’s more stressful. just last night when i was chatting to her, she somehow veered into the hospice discussion. she formally asked that i come home and look after her when it comes to this stage. i told her i knew that was what she wanted and, of course, i would. i know all of this already. i have worked through everything that will need to be done when things get near the end. and after the end. the service. the burial. even things like the will - and taking care of splitting up moneys and possessions. i did not get into any of that with her, but it’s all set in me.
but until that time, there is a lot of stress. a lot of responsibility. a lot of worry. so, no. my life is not always this stressful. having a parent waiting in the wings to die is not an everyday thing. well, it is for me as of late. so, yes, more stress recently. this is not normal. not at all. all of these thoughts compressed into about a 15 second pause before i answer him.
the “element” with which i most identify is definitely water. i could probably write about 50 pages on why. but, for the moment, let’s all just accept that it is. so often my life has been so easy - just floating calmly on the surface. i am grateful for those times - and i am grateful that mr. sid provides me with the security to just float once in a while now. but life recently has been more treading water than i have ever experienced. not drowning. just a lot of effort to keep my head above water. day after day, “icing the cake” with the palms of my hands across the across the liquid surface. at least i have not reached the “dead man’s float” yet. seriously doubt i will. but my arms do get very tired these days. yet i keep my head bobbing above the horizon line.