Ms. Crabby Here…
Me and The Shrink had a good talk. We always do. Did we make progress on my anger of late… Perhaps. There are a few things probably frustrating me or upsetting me that are pretty well-hidden.
Cardiac rehab… Yeah, I am excited to get it off the ground, but it depresses the hell out of me that I am nearly out of oxygen after seven bloody minutes on a treadmill. I was always super athletic… And I am just not right now. That’s the point of the rehab. I get all that that… But that athletic person was part of my identity. Now my identity is post-hat check patient in rehab, at my age!
And yes, Christmas. It’s probably pissing me off more than I care to admit. I’ve hit my saturation point. It’s also easier to be angry about Christmas than sad about it. For all the hell we went through as a family at this time of the year, it still meant I had a family. I don’t have a family anymore. And that’s sad. Plain and simple. They drive us insane, we drive them insane… But they are our families. Yes, I have The Silverback. I have very good friends who are my “chosen family”… But I actually miss my parents arguing. It’s completely absurd… Why the hell should I miss them arguing? It was like a comedy sketch - the two of them bellowing back and forth at each other, especially this time of the year. As much as this time of the year pisses me off - it now also makes me sad. Fuck, it’s like everything didn’t sink in last year when Mum died… It was too soon. So, it’s hitting me hard this year. And I can’t miss Mum without missing Dad, it seems. So, his absence is more acute. Both of them being dead is more permanent.
Then there are the hormonal questions. Without a proper cycle - it’s impossible to know when I am up and down as to hormones. Unless I want to get blood draws every day for a month or more - which I do not. So, I have to just accept that this hormonal shite is going to sneak up on me. That’s what’s hard for me to take… Not knowing when it’s going to hit me.
I didn’t really cry… Felt a bit weepy and self-indulgent as to not having a family. But no big tears. I do feel less anger… For now at least, just being able to spew about it all probably helps. Yeah, so probably more honestly, it is tender-belly sadness under the hard-shell anger.