* As I close in on 50, I realise how much has changed since I entered my 40s. Some good, some bad, probably most being of neither extreme.
* Today itself is wonky. I learned last evening that I can only eat half of a meatball sub these days. I did cut it in half… Ate that portion. Thought - “Oh, I could go for some more…” Ate the second half. Immediately felt as if I was going to explode from the inside out. Ended up passing out within an hour of this gluttonous act. Woke at 4am. The Silverback was watching Fassbinder’s 1973 film, World on a Wire. Not exactly sleep-confused friendly, but of course - I got sucked in. Upon credits running, he went off to bed… And I have been awake. With sleeping most of Sunday night-Monday morning, I rather fucked up our busy tellie viewing for this period of time. I suppose we will play catch up tonight. Sleep has been an issue since I was kid… So, this wonkiness is not part of post-40 novelties. Just reporting in.
* My health has gone to hell in a handbag since hitting 40. Mostly since about 44-45, though. Diagnosed with diabetes (type 1 - long story), high blood pressure (up until this time, my BP ran so low, I was always under consideration for medication to up it, not bring it down!), and of course - survived my first heart attack. I’m in the midst of menopausal hell, migraines are more frequent, and my back gets thrown out way too easily. Sometimes I just think my body has decided enough is enough. And, damn, bodies do not heal at 40-plus like they did even as recently as my 30s.
* I went through hospice and the loss of both of my parents. I am no longer a “daughter”. We worry almost constantly about The Silverback’s parents. His father has teetered over the edge three or four times in the past year. His mum is strong as they come, but serving as caretaker at her age is worrisome for us as well.
* I had an affair with one of The Silverback’s oldest friends - not best friends… But someone he knew for many years. Our marriage almost toppled. I came very, very close to leaving him again. And then…
* With all the adversity we faced, we somehow got back to the essence of our relationship. That foundation that kept things in place for almost 25 years now. Not 25 continuous years - we took “breaks” from one another. But we don’t count those years apart now. What’s the point? Even when we were separated, we still would see each other every other week. We never completely let go of each other.
* We are now the “model couple” to so many of our friends. Which, of course, is just hysterical to both of us. We are the content and funny old couple. Yeah, we not only love each other - we actually like each other. This “liking” business may be the real key to staying together all these years.
* I have a niece who I have not seen in over a year. Other than my brother, my only living blood relative. I really want to see her… Spend time with her, but I am physically stuck where I am right now due to the health stuff. I have also not seen my parents’ headstone since my mother’s ashes were added to my father’s burial plot. I need to do both of these things.
* For close to a year now, I have been on “sabbatical”. I worked at the same firm for almost 12 years… And it burned me out bad. Really bad. For legal reasons, I will not - and/or cannot - elaborate on this situation. I can say I really loved my work, but it’s amazing I survived there for so long. I was definitely the “red-headed step-child” within the firm’s cultural confines… In every imaginable way. My therapist has noted many times that I am still recovering from PTSD after enduring what I did. I don’t know - that diagnosis seems a bit extreme. But it was bad… And I do still have quite intense “stress” dreams about the place at least once a week.
* A lot has changed since I entered my 40s… That’s all.